The Intensification of Sibling Relationships Due to Social Isolation→

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The Intensification of Sibling Relationships

How to deal with the strain that social isolation puts on siblings

photo credit: http://www.mom-psych.com

If you think about it, our kids used to interact, to a greater or lesser degree, with easily more than a hundred people a day. From the crowded noisy lunchrooms to the focused interactions of a small group project, social exchanges abound in schools, and they meet a myriad of social needs. These interactions are not just fun, they are the experiential space in which our children learn to read each other’s actions and emotions to understand what others want or will do next. They learn to adjust and adapt; to fit in and feel valued. The interplay stimulates empathy, creativity, and intellectual engagement. All of this is important to the development of their character and their neurocognitive growth.

When their world moved from hundreds of people down to a few, the weight of these necessary social exchanges was redistributed onto family members, intensifying these relationships. As adults we have more internal resources to deal with the increased interpersonal demands, and the ability to creatively arrange some time or space to recharge when we need it. Our kids have less self-awareness and less well-developed coping strategies. This can cause them to experience extremes in there interactions. This effect was aptly summarized by a friend who explained, “My kids went from getting along like cats and dogs to acting like honey badgers and viper snakes.”

Things that can help:

Give Intentional Positive Engagement

Set aside some one-on-one time with each child and let them be in charge of your full undivided attention.  For some specific period of time, 10 to 30 minutes, let them lead the conversation and decide what you’re going to do together. Ask a million open ended questions. Not only does this pay into the huge number of needed social interactions, it also gives you a look into how your child is thinking.

Ensure everyone gets Time for Themselves

To state the obvious, different age groups have different needs.  We can help older kids by allowing them to appropriately set limits when younger kids have used up their welcome. And, even kids that get along great need time apart. Helping kids find and focus on things that they are individually interested in practices attention, develops persistence ,and engages curiosity.

Let them Virtually Connect

Prior to Covid, the problem was how to limit screen time, and the new problem is how to use screen time constructively. Not all screen time needs to be structured schoolwork. This is the new playground, especially the gaming platforms that allow kids to connect and interact virtually in real time. These outlets maintain relationships and social development, especially for boys. Girls are more relational and seem to prefer hanging out online together, or in small groups through Zoom, WhatsApp, FaceTime, etc…. These outlets are particularly important for middle-school and high school kids, just make sure to keep up good monitoring of browsing content because predators are loving the increase web usage.

Get Regular Exercise

Exercise is necessary for so many essential functions of the body and brain, and so easy to lose track of when you’re confided to quarters. Building this into a regular part of the day will benefit everyone! In a perfect world, it would be ideal to get outside for a bit in the morning. Sunlight in the morning also helps you biologically be more awake, which conversely improves sleep and this works even when it’s cloudy. Then have the kids, and you, get a good bunch of cardio in the afternoon with a bike, a soccer game, a jog, etc… 

Don’t Solve Problems For Them

When tempers start to flare it is easy to jump in.  We want to preserve the peace and prevent a fight. And sometimes, when our internal reservoir is low, we need the bickering to stop before we lose our cool too. In these situations, the problem is not usually the infraction that they’re fighting over.  The problem is that everyone has gotten into their primitive brains.  Once fight–flight arousal kicks in, everyone stops thinking and just wants to win. When this happens the best thing to do is to send everyone to their corners. Then, when everyone has calmed down, it might not even need to be discussed. Once calm, kids usually just apologize.  If this doesn’t happen, then ask them to explain their contribution to the fight.  When they see how they added to the argument or escalated it, they can learn from the interaction. And, when a consequence is appropriate, look for a way to make them work together to “pay” for the wrong.  For example, they could weed the garden, rake the leaves, clean the playroom – together.

Deanna Beech, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist

Build Skills for a Lifetime of Happiness.
The Brier Patch, LLC
www.thebrierpatch.com