Talking with Kids about Death
Helping parents with the hard conversations brought about by the COVID pandemic
As the number of deaths from COVID continue to rise, the losses are likely to touch those that we know and love. Death is never easy to talk about. Just contemplating it causes most people discomfort, if not anxiety. When it occurs, it can feel devastating. Dealing with the range of emotional pain taxes the coping of even highly resilient adults. So how can we help our kids through this process? There are a couple things to consider as you approach this situation.
How old is your child?
Your child’s age relates to his ability to understand what death means. Kids that are under 4 years old are not yet able to conceptualize abstract concepts like death. This can be hard for parents because it can seem like the child is not listening, when they really just don’t get it. Since they process things concretely, they are likely to still expect the person to show up at the times when they would usually interact with the child. We need to have patience and explain it again in each concrete situation where the loved one will be missed. It can also be difficult from the young child’s point of view as he watchs the people that he loves grieving and doesn’t understand what is wrong. Letting him be with you as you mourn and reassuring him that you will be fine in time teaches him that he too can handle difficult feelings, and that he is a valued part of the family.
Then, from the age of 7 to 11, give or take a year, his ability to think abstractly begins to grow. During these years he is trying to string together information to understand his experiences. Errors in reasoning are common. Conversations around ‘What do you think death means?’ and ‘What happens when we die?’ give us an understanding of how they’re putting the information together. This is an important opportunity to help him gain a deeper understanding of your family’s faith and ancestry.
Around the age of 12 kids have a reasonably well-developed ability for abstract thinking, but at the same time they have a return of self-centeredness. When the expectation is that the world is supposed to evolve around you, the experience a significant loss can impact the ability to feel that you have sufficient control and capacity to succeed despite the hardship that life throws at you. This can negatively impact the development of self-esteem and self-efficacy. Conversations at this age aimed at helping your child to recognize what can realistically be controlled and to accept what is not is important.
How well did they know the person?
Obviously, if he was close to the deceased the impact will be greater. As simple as this sounds, we sometimes lose track of it as we tend to give greater emotional weight to a death in the family, than the loss of a neighbor. The point is that each of us has a different relationship with the deceased and will experience the loss differently.
How to start the conversation?
In general, it’s best to ask an open-ended question like those above. Listen to your child’s thoughts. Validate how he feels. Help him with his reasoning. Be honest about the facts and abundant in your reassurances without making promises you can’t keep. Share stories, cry, and hold each other. Let them be present and part of your family’s recovery. Don’t hide your grief away from your kids, or your spouse, because that leaves them feeling the loss of you too.
These difficult times are bringing lots of difficult conversations into focus. If we are not talking with our kids they will be left to their best efforts to understand their experiences and the confusing impact of marketing, media, and peer culture. You are your child’s best guide through these difficulties, and open conversations give you the chance to correct their course.
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