What to do
when social isolation feels like too much family time.
In our normally busy lives, everyone is usually on the go. You’ve probably even said something like, ‘I wish I could just take a week off and stay home.’ Careful what you wish for ;). To really stop everything and stay home feels strange. It’s a big change for everyone, and change requires accommodations. As we move into this “new normal” of social isolation it can be expected that there are going to be times when we get on each other’s nerves. When this happens it’s good to have a plan.
The plan is simple to explain but hard to do because our own emotions are in the mix. First thing to do is to take a mental step back and observe what’s happening. Give yourself some distance from the situation. Then ask - what is the root of the problem? Taking a moment to think from this position gives you the ability to respond, rather than react. Once you have an idea of what is behind the problem you can constructively engage.
3 Common Problems
Old Conflicts
In most marriages there are those topics of disagreement that are generally avoided, because there is no easy answer. If the current conflicts are centered around one of these old conflicts, you may decide to take it on. You have the time. But, arguing about it won’t change things. If you really want to address it, there are ways to do so - and none of them involve fighting. When we’re angry, we’re not thinking clearly. Agree to table it for the time being and make a plan to discuss it after you both cool down. Once you’ve set a time to talk, prepare for the conversation. Think about why the issue is so important to you. What part of the problem is yours? What would a reasonable solution look like? When you sit down together to talk, listen to each other all the way through. This is hard to do, but essential. And remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Big issues need to be taken in bite-size pieces. For more evidence-based strategies that help, see John Gottman’s book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Negative Attention Seeking
If the problem is negative attention seeking, which children have a knack for, try fully engaging. This is actually the short cut. If you engage directly and positively, you will be able to disengage effectively and set them onto an independent task. This does not mean ‘give them what they want.’ Rather, it is about stopping what you’re doing and giving your undivided attention. Usually it just takes a few minutes. For more ideas on how to have fun with your kids check out the resources at The Brier Patch.
Needing Some Space
Then there are times when everyone needs some space, which is particularly challenging when you can’t leave. To get space it is best to take yourself out of the equation. If you’re trying to have a moment in the middle of the living room, it will be hard for your family to understand that you want to be left alone. If possible, set a place that you can go to regularly for your alone time. That way it can become understood that you want to be left alone for a bit. Spare bedrooms, basements, garages, and walks are good “me-time” spaces.
Stay well,
Deanna Beech
Helping children build skills for a lifetime of happiness.
The Brier Patch, LLC
www.thebrierpatch.com
